it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
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Wikigenius
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”