[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
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Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
adding to the discourse
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard