No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
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Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that