The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
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My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
@funTweeters
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you