Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
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I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Encore…
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.