I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
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“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
*offers Batman cough drops*
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
when u come home smelling like another dog
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.