If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
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Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
How to woo a woman
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Born to be mild.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor