EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
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Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings