*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
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I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now