hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
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When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.