KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
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Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Neil Diamond: 馃幎HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS馃幎
CDC: NO
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
We鈥檇 been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I鈥檓 thinking maybe I鈥檒l just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 馃
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.