*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
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Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”