Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
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When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
I think this cat is broken
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
The Weeknd is back
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon