1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
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I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
i want the dreams to chase me for once
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you