“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
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My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
thank god the sign was there
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee