Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
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[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails