Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
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My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.