If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
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*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit