ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
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Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
I’ve been drinking.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.