*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
You Might Also Like
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
oh shit
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Spell check is for lasers.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.