That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
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The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
What a chick magnet..
I believe the plural is “milves.”
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.