*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
You Might Also Like
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies