Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
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every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
remember
only for emergencies
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.