“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
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HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator