There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
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[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.