A charcuterie board is just dry soup
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Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news