Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
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They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Strangers have the best candy.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
☠️☠️☠️
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.