Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
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I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”