[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
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[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Am I having a stroke?
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering