6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
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a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….