Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
You Might Also Like
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
The sacred texts.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.