“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
You Might Also Like
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
how do y’all walk in shallow water
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Important reminders
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.