HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
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Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”