*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
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A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
i love modern commerce
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.