I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
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My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*