Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
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Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.