Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
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[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked