We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
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Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
thinking about a very short hotdog
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly