[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
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Oh my god
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.