*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
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DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see