[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
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[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.