Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
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Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.