Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
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they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
This kid is a star!
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Me buying fruit and veg
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what