I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
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same vibe as tangled headphones
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Mood.. 😂
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.