Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
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LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.