Just as the prophecy foretold
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So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
This forever.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460