Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
You Might Also Like
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”