For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
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To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.