I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
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Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own