Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
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i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.